


A Cat Thing

by monarchs



Category: Social Network (2010) RPF
Genre: Cat Ears, Cats, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23682826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monarchs/pseuds/monarchs
Summary: Andrew grew cat ears. It's a good thing for cat people like Jesse. Probably not great for an interview dinner, but still.Cat ears. On Andrew.
Relationships: Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield
Comments: 23
Kudos: 24





	A Cat Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. But hey, yesterday Andrew Garfield trended on Twitter, so I think it's a sign that I should post this.
> 
> Thank you to Dei for alpha-reading this. Technically not beta'd, but that's because it's hard to beta utter silliness.
> 
> Chinese translation by lsyycaz available [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999052) and [here](http://hellowland.com/wid4166426).

Jesse was reciting his grocery list in his head on his way out when he opened the door to Andrew. 

"This isn't as bad as it looks," Andrew said in panic. 

Jesse gave Andrew a cursory if not also confused look.

There was nothing to 'look' at, really, it was just Andrew in an oversized winter coat with a disproportionately large hood. In the middle of summer. "Okay, no," Andrew admitted, fidgeting. "I mean it's worse. Can I come in?"

"I thought you were done filming in New York. The gala isn't before the 25th," Jesse said as he took a step back to let Andrew in, looking him up and down. 

"I'm sorry I didn't call to say I'd be coming," Andrew replied sheepishly as he walked in and closed the door behind him. "Surprise?"

"We're not strangers, Andrew, it's fine," Jesse said. "What's wrong?"

Andrew nodded and then looked like he was about to cry. "Okay, well. Okay-- okay. Just promise me you won't react wildly? Because other than this ... tiny issue, I'm excellent, really, peachy, in fact," Andrew said, mildly panicky, and then without much pause to build any kind of suspense or let Jesse actually promise anything, Andrew took off his hood. Revealing a pair of... furry ears poking from his messy hair.

Jesse's two house cats both stared wide-eyed. And a little wary. And so did Jesse, though it was because something in his brain short-circuited. Andrew shrank visibly at the triple scrutiny.

"Is there some kind of bizarre dress code I'm not aware of?" Jesse blurted out after too many seconds of pregnant silence had passed.

Andrew looked at Jesse as if personally hurt that Jesse had broken a sworn oath.

"I did not react 'wildly'," Jesse pointed out.

Andrew sighed, turning around and shaking his head. "I just woke up with these. And this!" Andrew showed Jesse his back, where a brown cat tail uncurled itself. "God, Jess, I don't know what's happening. People don't just grow ears and tails out of nowhere."

"And I strike you as an expert in this field," Jesse said, offhandedly, staring at Andrew's tail.

Andrew pouted. "Is this all I'm getting? Lukewarm reassurance? No hugs or kisses?"

Jesse complied and pulled Andrew into an easy hug, ignoring the 'kisses' clause. They used to do hugs a lot when they filmed The Social Network. Always worked like a charm to calm Andrew's nerves down. Now it felt mildly awkward because 1) Jesse had been trying to dilute his crush for Andrew since the beginning of time 2) they hadn't actually hugged in two years 3) Andrew was still very tall and lanky, and 4) Jesse really wanted to snake his hand up Andrew's back and touch the cat ears.

Andrew sighed happily into Jesse's embrace however, unsuspecting, and leaned in and down to wrap his arms around Jesse's frame.

"Man, it's so good to see you, Jess."

Jesse was still looking at Andrew's ears and so were his cats, who were now much much closer to them, studying their awkward hug in still and judging silence.

"Um. Hello Dr. Moony. Hey Isaac," Andrew greeted the cats, looking unsettled. Jesse detached himself from Andrew and rubbed his nose.

His cats purred and then started rubbing against Andrew's legs. They had never been this friendly to him ever. They had never been friendly to him, period.

Andrew looked back at Jesse. "I don't think this is scientifically possible," he said, gesturing vaguely. "I don't think this is real." 

"My cats liking you or the extra pair of ears?"

"Jesse."

Jesse bobbed his head, mulling over the situation and trying hard not to think about petting Andrew's head. "Do you want coffee?"

"Yeah, that would be good," Andrew scratched the back of his neck nervously.

Jesse went to the kitchen. Andrew followed. And then Dr. M and Isaac followed in tow.

"Maybe they'll be gone by tomorrow," Jesse said.

Andrew's cat ears perked up, and he twirled his tail. "You think?"

"Yeah, I mean. Things come and go. Colds, trains, feline features--"

Andrew groaned, his ears flattening. "Well, tomorrow's not soon enough. I'm supposed to meet Mel Gibson tonight. He's working on a biographical movie--"

"Mel Gibson?" Jesse asked, distracted.

"Yeah, he's working on a new movie about a combat medic in--"

"Braveheart Mel Gibson?"

"I don't know any other Mel Gibsons in the industry," Andrew said.

"Wow. That's great, congrats, I'm jealous. Go on," Jesse answered, fiddling with his fingers as he waited for the espresso machine to work.

"Not with..." Andrew pointed at his cat ears.

Jesse raised his eyebrows and then nodded nervously. "Oh. Right. Yeah, you're right. Doesn't really fit the combat medic profile."

Jesse was forgetting that in a normal world cat ears on Andrew was a problem. 

The espresso machine rumbled for a few seconds. 

"I don't think anyone recognized me on the way here," Andrew said. "But if I still have cat ears it'll be decisively hard to evade paparazzis. And you know. Curious people."

Andrew sat down and sighed into his hands. Jesse's cats sat at his feet, staring up at him as they flicked their tails. It was clear Andrew would have to avoid curious cats too.

Jesse poured coffee into two Starbucks mugs and then brought one over to Andrew. "I don't think I'd be able to offer professional advice, Andrew. I mean, if your ears don't go in the short term then you only have three options. A) get them chopped off, B) drop off the radar or C) come out about it on international television. On the other hand, they're just cat ears. Children are starving to death in every corner of the world. Your problem isn't really a problem unless you make it one. Can I possibly touch your ears?"

"What?" Andrew said, one ear twitching.

Had Jesse said that last bit out loud? "Was I speaking too fast?" he said, "I said--"

Andrew looked at Jesse with a hint of exasperation. "Jess, I don't want to get them chopped off, these things are like. Sentient?"

Jesse exhaled in relief, and then quickly said, "okay, that narrows it down to two. Good, we're making progress." 

Andrew knitted his eyebrows together and thought for a considerable amount of time while staring at Jesse. "What would you do if you grew cat ears?"

Jesse wondered if Andrew had ever imagined what Jesse would look like in cat ears. "I would definitely forget about the gala, which I do not want to attend anyways, and consider retiring from society." Andrew's ears flattened. Jesse sat down opposite Andrew and then said, "I'd also confide to a close friend and have no idea what to do after that."

Andrew smiled sadly, playing with his tail. "These things should come with a guide."

Isaac meowed an especially long meow.

Andrew stared at him, bewildered.

"Did you hear that?" Andrew said, his eyes still on Isaac.

"Hear the prolonged meow?" Jesse asked, a little confused.

"No, no! He spoke English just now--"

Jesse stared at Isaac, who looked back at him innocently, the way he would after he'd broken something and hidden it. 

"What did he say?" Jesse asked suspiciously. 

"That employing a tail is not rocket science?" Andrew answered. 

It turned out Jesse's cats had inherited some of Jesse’s sense of humour (or lack thereof) as well as his fast and quirky speech pattern, all packed in single prolonged iterations of meow. It was an eye-opening discovery, and while Andrew was upset over the growth of cat ears and tail, he seemed to enjoy interpreting for Jesse Dr. M and Isaac's thoughts on every aspect of Jesse's life.

"Okay, so what have you tried so far?"

Andrew counted on his fingers as he listed. "Pinching myself, looking into several different mirrors, Googling, modern witchcraft... Dr. M says you read atlases when you're looking for answers."

Jesse glared at Dr. Moony.

(Jesse looked at maps whenever he felt a little lost in life, and that was just something that worked for him. He knew it made no sense outside of a metaphorical context, but it was what it was, and never had he thought he'd be outed by his cat. "It's called a hobby," Jesse told Dr. M.)

Andrew smiled the kind of smile that sort of stopped Jesse's heart for two seconds. 

"Anyways," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I don't see Mel, I feel like I'm going to miss out on something big."

"We'll figure something out," Jesse promised. 

"Thanks," Andrew said, frowning at Isaac. "Isaac says I'm screwed, but I'm more inclined to believe in you, Jess."

Something literally _sparkled_ in Andrew's eyes that Jesse couldn't quite name, and he looked down at his cup of coffee, at a loss of words.

"Okay, well, perhaps we should start with house remedies for hangovers," Jesse said, smiling sheepishly.

And Andrew smiled so wide, his cat ears at ease, happiness brimming like he was told he had won a trip around the world or found the El Dorado somewhere in Northern Brazil.

And at that moment, Jesse knew that all his efforts to dilute his crush for Andrew Russell Garfield had been in vain.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
Andrew had to meet Mel Gibson at seven in the evening. It was now a little after noon, they'd tried all hangover remedies Google could offer including that odd one about covering your face with menthol or mint, or anything close to it, and the closest Jesse had was gum, so. It was overall the strangest exercise Jesse had ever done in his life and that was saying something, and he still wasn't sure how seriously he was supposed to take Andrew's problem because frankly in his worldview, cat ears on Andrew could never be an issue.

Jesse's cats suggested unhelpful things on the side, not excluding "having felines take over the world and conquering outer space" (which had nothing to do with making Andrew's feline traits disappear) but mostly it was more fun than miserable, though sometimes Andrew said things like, "if we had kids, they'd be like Isaac and Dr. and I'd blame you," and that would get to Jesse because he would start imagining things that would ultimately only end up hurting him because they were things he couldn't ever have.

They were waiting for pizza to come in when Dr. M suggested, smartly, that Andrew could do the exact things he had done that had led up to the cat ears and tail, only in reverse.

Andrew flushed up instantly, and Jesse wasn't sure what to make of that. 

"It can't be more embarrassing than that shoulder mating dance you did for Caribbean Night in that Facebook movie we did," Jesse blurted before he could control himself. 

Andrew frowned petulantly. "You dared me to do that. In fact, you inspired me to do that."

"You're trying to change the subject. I think Dr. has a good point," Jesse said. "Let's try it out. Whatever ritualistic dancing you performed in your own time I won't film or upload on YouTube, I swear."

"Yeah, only I can see it in your eyes you plan to sell the idea to someone because you can't be bothered to navigate YouTube."

"You're not wrong. I'd probably sell it to Mel. Now spit it out, I'd like to be a billionaire somewhere in the near future."

Andrew was still flushing red but also laughing in this really happy way, and it made Jesse's stomach twist. 

"Well, I believe I got pissed. Completely wasted," Andrew said nervously.

"How most extraordinary things start," Jesse commented dryly.

"--Aaaand that's all I remember," Andrew concluded quickly.

Both Isaac and Dr. M seemed to be smelling foul play, eyeing Andrew so suspiciously Jesse felt sorry for him. Jesse could understand however, that, given they weren't _that_ close, and that there were two uncommonly sardonic cats present, Andrew might not really want to admit whatever embarrassing thing he did while inebriated.

"That's fine. Maybe after the pizza you can take a nap and you'll sleep them off," Jesse suggested. _The way I tried to sleep headaches and colds and stupid crushes off._ Or something.

Andrew smiled sheepishly. He then lay down on his side on the couch, grabbing a cushion and hugging it to his chest, his tail wrapping around him shyly. "Yeah, okay."

It was the most endearing thing to see ever, but Jesse tried to keep his expression as neutral as he could and plopped down into an armchair, reorganizing his thoughts. 

The pizza had come, the sun shone fiercely through the kitchen window, and then before they both knew it, they were full and back on the couch and armchair arrangement they were settled in prior to lunch. 

"Dr. M says he would like to take this opportunity to ask for a cat complex, like the one the cat from the window across the street has. Isaac has signed his petition, he adds. I’m afraid the numbers are against you," Andrew said, indolent. He raised his arms and arched his back into a stretch.

Jesse swallowed hard, ignoring Dr. M's request because Andrew was being too fucking… desirable.

"I'm going to set an alarm," Andrew said as he took out his phone, and then, with a defeated exhale, added, "I think I have to reschedule with Mel."

"Say you've caught a cold," Jesse said. "Or the chicken pox or something."

"Yeah," Andrew said, though not very humoured. He started typing on his phone. "It's so last-minute. I wish I didn't-- god, these ears." He was now looking at the reflection in his blackened phone screen as he rubbed the back of his cat ears. "This had all better be a dream. I mean, it can only be a dream. How else can you explain these appendages?"

Jesse lowered his gaze. He was starting to feel bad to have joked about the ears so much. He fiddled with his own phone for a while, pondering over whether he should apologize for being so insensitive, but just when he had gathered his nerves and prepared to do so, he found Andrew snoring softly.

He had fallen asleep, and so did Doc and Isaac, who were settled close to Andrew, their paws tucked underneath them.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
The cat ears and tail did not disappear, but when Andrew woke up a few minutes before his alarm, he looked extremely spirited albeit not having gotten rid of his extra features.

It was four in the afternoon, and the sun was streaming in an orange light through the hall, and Jesse had been reading a book on WWII.

Andrew rubbed his hair, probably to make sure whether or not his ears were still there and then groaned exasperatedly when he realized they were still very much there. His tail thrashed a bit but was mostly ignored, for whatever caused the spark of trembling determination in Andrew's eyes took over soon enough.

"Jesse!" he exclaimed.

Jesse jumped in his seat. 

"Just had a dream. You were in it," Andrew explained.

Andrew had dreamed of Jesse. That fact was going to be a very good thought that Jesse could put away in a pocket for a rainy day.

"And Dr. Moony was there too. He was a doctor and you were a nur--" Andrew swallowed the word in a flustered manner before continuing, "--and basically you both diagnosed my problem."

Isaac meowed.

"Yeah, you weren't there, Isaac, sorry," Andrew responded.

"And so I have to tell you it. I think it's the only way-- it has got to be-- I mean if I can grow cat ears and a tail and understand cat language thensurelytruelovewouldbe--".

"What?" Jesse blinked.

Andrew sighed. "You know. Um, true love--"

"Meow?" Dr. M and Isaac said in unison. Andrew shrank at whatever they had just communicated.

Jesse crossed his arms before standing up and shooing the cats into another room with the hose of a vacuum cleaner. When he came back, Andrew was standing and pacing from the couch to the armchair and back.

"Unfortunately, I'm not sure I have a stock of true love in my pantry," Jesse murmured apologetically, not sure how to indulge Andrew in whatever he was trying to say.

Andrew looked up. "No, well, I mean. It's just. I was." He took a deep breath, and then biting down on his lip, said: "I was thinking about you last night. And I just. You know. Thought about... wanting. So bad to be. Um. Like... one of your cats or something."

Jesse blinked.

"I mean. I wanted to be-- loved like you love your cats but also because I just wanted you to love--LIKE-- like _like_ me. Because I lov--LIKE. Like you."

Jesse blinked. What?

"I like you?" Andrew clarified, with vague hand gestures.

"You like me?" Jesse asked.

"Yes."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Me, with my heinous sense of humour, critical self-deprecative habits, two insufferable cats, tiny ears and curly hair and knobby knees? Me?"

"Yes. And you know.” Andrew gestured wildly. “Your hands and face and voice and eyes and. The way you say your 'because's."

"Be...cause?" Jesse said carefully, suspiciously.

Andrew nodded before flushing up. "Unless. Oh god. You don't like me. You're thinking of a way to shoot me down gently by self-deprecating--"

"No, no I--," Jesse said, frowning.

"Are my cat ears still--" Andrew waved a hand above his hand and hit his ears and they flattened. "Oh." Andrew lowered his gaze, deflated.

"I do like you, Andrew," Jesse said, but he was getting gradually nervous, and somehow the intonation of the statement felt like there was a silent 'but' even though really, there were no buts.

"But?" Andrew practically mewled.

"There is no but," Jesse quickly amended.

"There is no but?"

"No buts."

"No buts?" Andrew repeated, ears upwards and twitching almost excitedly.

"Can we stop talking about buts?" Jesse quipped, nervous.

"Okay," Andrew said. "So you like me?"

"Yes."

"Like--"

"Not the way I like my cats," Jesse made sure.

"Okay..." Andrew said, prompting Jesse to go on, his lips slowly forming a smile.

"I like you, like I want to hold hands with you? And I don't know. Share mugs and blankets? Night-long conversations, three word secrets? Is this ringing a bell for you at all?"

"Yes, yes," Andrew said, smiling from ear to ear now. "Bells a'ringin."

"Okay, because I also want you to kiss me and I wanted to make sure we're on the same page because otherwise that would make a terribly awkward request."

"You want me to kiss you now?" Andrew said, approaching, reaching out and pulling Jesse to him.

They were close, and Jesse had to tiptoe a little so that their foreheads could press into each other.

"You really think a kiss would break the cat curse?" Jesse said. He motioned whether he could touch the cat ears, and Andrew bobbed his head.

"That's what Dr. M said," Andrew replied.

"What if I like them?" Jesse said. The ears were softer than he imagined. 

"Okay, but would you want the world to abduct me and perform illegal experiments on me to figure out whatever the fuck is wrong with my genes? Wouldn't you miss me? Wouldn't you become misanthropic? I heard long-distance relationships are hard to deal with too."

"You make a very bizarre point."

"I knew you'd understand."

"Alright.” Jesse licked his lips, adrenaline somewhere sky high. “Kiss me then?"

Andrew blushed, and then leaned in a little. “Okay. Ready?”

“Yeah,” Jesse murmured, smiling. Dimpling.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(It took a few more seconds because they were both too nervous and awkward, and silly when they cared to admit, but when Andrew did eventually kiss Jesse, it was an ineffable feeling, and Jesse melted away, his eyes closing, his hands in Andrew’s hair, brushing over soft tufts of hair where the cat ears used to be.)

**Author's Note:**

> Revive Andrew/Jesse 2020?? I don't know man
> 
> But thanks for reading this. Seriously.


End file.
